You and I
by HepburnJunkie22
Summary: "Life is meant to be lived, no past regrets or mistakes should cloud the present, we only have a short time on this Earth..to squander it is to deprive yourself. " Trying to heal in the wake of one eventful year.


**_Hey guys, I know its been a while and I must say I'm extremely sorry for that. Let me start off by saying that this story is very dear to me and was hard to write as well, its a mirror of my life as we speak, but this has seemed to help me overcome so personal difficulties, of which I'll explain more about at the end of the story. For now enjoy and for the record the characters and their respective TV shows are not mine, I'm just playing._**

**_PS: The tittle is from a song I've become obsessed with as of late called U.N.I. by Ed Sheeran...its a beautiful song and if you haven't heard it I highly recomend it :)_**

**_PSS: Whoever gets the BSG reference gets a virtual hug and cookie from me ;)_**

* * *

Sharon couldn't help but stare out the window in her office, the skyline looked so drab today, just another rainy Thursday afternoon. It had been raining for five days straight and while she normally liked this type of weather, right now she just wished that it would go away. It truly seemed to be a bad omen of sorts, nothing was going right.

But if she was honest with her self everything in her world had seemed off since a certain southern blonde had left. Everything in her world in the last year head been turned upside down, and the cause for that was no longer standing in front of her. The brunette sighed heavily and blinked away the tears that had suddenly sprung to her eyes.

She couldn't fault the Chief for leaving after their argument…it had been the biggest out of them all; it had hurt the most. It was personal and that was why even after three months that the pain was still there, pulsing and causing Sharon to lose sleep. Even though there were no harsh words or expletives said…no accusing glances or snarky remarks, the words that went unsaid hurt just as much.

Her team knew something was wrong, but were too scared of her sullen mood to ask what it was. They knew of the nature of the relationship between the two female officers and had seemed to accept it; in fact Flynn had told them that he'd seen it coming.

And poor Rusty…she hadn't been neglectful but he could tell something was bothering her. She wasn't her normally calm and collected self. She couldn't count how many times he had found her in the middle of the night sitting on the balcony of her condo. Instead of lying restlessly in her empty bed she would venture out in the crisp night air, to look at the stars and clear her mind. After the third night in a row he would begin to venture out with a cup of tea for her and blanket for himself. He would situate his blonde head in her lap and drift slowly off to sleep as she stroked his head, offering each of them support.

All of the tension that started out in the sense of competition, they were the two most senior female officers fighting over dominance it had seemed. Then as the years progressed and they got to know one another it had turned into a mutual feeling of respect; then during the whole audit and Goldman fiasco their respect had turned into an amicable friendship. Sharon was the only one who had Brenda's best interests at heart and sought to protect her…only her.

So when the relationship began to stray from that of a platonic friendship, Sharon had tried to stay professional and supportive. Fritz was already living in a separate place apart from Brenda when the tables turned; the distance Brenda presented during the trial had proved to be too much for their fragile relationship. He left and it had barely fazed the blonde, she had barely bat an eye.

_One less thing to worry about_, Sharon surmised silently.

In the convening year they became even closer after Fritz left; working lunches and dinners slowly transformed into dinner and drinks with the occasional movie in between. Then they moved the movies nights to each other's houses, complete with popcorn and Rusty every once in a while. The older woman knew this probably wasn't the best time to start a fledgling relationship with the younger woman, what with her juggling her new role as the head of Major Crimes and Brenda's grief over her mother that was still just below the surface.

Even so the two women steadily grew closer, intimately so, sharing space and almost every free moment with each other. It mostly consisted of nights in Sharon's condo, to preserve the established schedule for Rusty. Both women were still working to conquer personal demons, but they were steadily reaching towards their goals. Everything changed on the day of a very sad anniversary.

* * *

_Sharon hadn't heard from Brenda in almost three days and was beginning to get worried. She silently let her self in to the house with the key Brenda had given her a few weeks ago. She had found the petite Chief sitting on her living room couch, her staple glass of Merlot clutched between her hands. She seemed to have just recently showered, her normally bouncy curls limp with the weight of the water still being retained. A pair of red plaid pajamas pants and a worn but clean white long sleeved shirt were the outfit of choice; toes bare except for the blue polish on her nails._

_ Sharon sat on the couch gently so as to not disturb, turning her head to the side slightly to take in the blonde's profile. Her face was freshly scrubbed and pink from the shower, but once bright eyes seemed to be dark and fathomless, as if she were truly lost. Tentatively she reached out a hand to reassure Brenda, but as if sensing the incoming contact, the younger woman shrugged away. She turned her body so that she was facing Sharon, setting the glass of wine on the low coffee table in front of them._

_ The brunette raised her chin so that their eyes came into contact, and gently pulled until the blonde's forehead came into contact with her lips. She felt the other woman take in a shuddering breath and felt the tears begin to fall._

_ "I've missed you." Sharon whispered softly._

_The admission was greeted by desperate gasps for air; all the emotions flooding through Brenda were choking her. She didn't know how to respond and wasn't sure that she was capable of doing so. She could feel Sharon tense the longer she went without responding; poor, sweet Sharon was one of the most important people in her life and here she was shutting her out._

_ Since Brenda had yet to speak the brunette softly spoke into the soft skin of her forehead._

_ "Talk to me Brenda Leigh…let me in to help you."_

_ The Chief whimpered, "Sharon…I just…"_

_ Once again hollow brown eyes connected with those of concerned green as the captain stared intently at the younger woman, willing her to share what was on her mind._

_ "Its just so hard," the blonde muttered helplessly._

_ The older woman cocked her head slightly to the side, hands slowly sliding to cover the blonde's cheeks, encouraging her to continue._

_ Brenda took a deep and broken breath, desperately trying to clear the tears from her voice, moving her hands to rest lightly on top of Sharon's. Once she was sure she had clamed herself enough, she began to speak in hushed tones._

_ "Everythin' has changed…so many things will never be the same and I feel as if I had the world pulled out from underneath me."_

_ Sharon's heart broken at the painfully sincerity in the words and she winced at the younger woman's pain. She gently pulled their intertwined hands away from Brenda's face to rest them securely in her lap._

_ The blonde steeled her self and charged on, definitively making up her mind on what she wanted to say…what Sharon needed to know._

_ "But the one thing I'm certain of, painfully so, is a lesson that I have had to learnt he hard way in the last year." _

_ Brenda glanced nervously at Sharon and saw that the brunette was decidedly confused, but intrigued nonetheless. Lines formed between her knitted eyebrows as they came together, making the blonde suddenly want to kiss them away._

_ Another deep breathe, "What I have learned is maybe tomorrow really isn't comin'…maybe today is all we have left."_

_ The brunettes eyes widened in her pale face and the color rushed from her cheeks, she knew what was coming but wasn't quite sure if she was ready for it or not. Brenda looked down at their hands, focusing on Sharon's knuckles were becoming pale from their grip._

_ The blonde backtracked, "Maybe this isn't such an ideal time…"_

_ "No," the captain interrupted, "finish what you wanted to say."_

_ Brenda swallowed nervously and then said three little words that would change their lives forever._

_ "I love you."_

_ Sharon was speechless to say the least, but her mind was working overtime. Millions of different thoughts were rushing through her normally tranquil consciousness; but there at the forefront were those three little words._

_**She loves me.**_

_** SHE loves ME.**_

_ Instead of accepting the admission for what it was and welcoming the younger woman with open arms, Sharon fell back on her old standby. She reverted to Captain Raydor, mask and all._

_ "Chief I'm not so sure that…"_

_ The change was immediate and violent, an almost visceral reaction to either the inflections in her tone or Sharon's use of the blonde's former rank. Brenda slowly straightened her shoulders, efficiently untangling her hands from that of the older woman's, a clear and present wall forming. The Captain watched in horror as the younger woman scooted as far away on the couch as she discreetly could, wiping the palms of her hands roughly over her cheeks to clear away the tears. Finally raising her face from the cushions, she gave Sharon a dismissive smile, one that the other woman knew she only used when trying to distance her self._

_ "That's quite alright Captain," the fake cheer nauseated Sharon, "lets just forget I said anythin' shall we?"_

_ The older woman's heart sank at the finality in the younger woman's voice. She hadn't meant for anything of this nature to happen, she simply wanted to voice her concerns._

_ Sharon tired again, "Brenda please don't do this, don't shut me out."_

_ The blonde looked at her sharply and pursed her lips together tightly; her eyes narrowed slightly and Sharon knew she was in trouble._

_ "How dare you." Brenda softly accused as she _

_ The brunette felt chastised, she knew that it was just her defensive mode but this was Brenda, she should have tried harder. The blonde had never reacted well to her hard-nosed Captain Raydor demeanor and here she was subjecting it into their personal lives, their relationship. Hell at this point she should have known better._

_ Sharon was frozen in place; she didn't know what to say in the face of such anger. She'd felt and seen anger from the petite woman in front of her, but never had it been personally directed at her in this manner. Sure they'd had disagreements in the professional arena, plenty as a matter of fact, but this was life altering. She didn't have anything valid to counter Brenda's remark; her whole world had been thrown from those three little words. Were those the feelings she had been battling the last few months?_

_Brenda had seemed to come to a decision and swiftly rose from the couch, the floorboards creaking softly under her weight. The normally soft sound startled Sharon out of her revelry, causing her to follow the path of the younger woman as she wound her way through the front room towards the kitchen. She watched mesmerized as the woman's pink lips softly connected with the half empty glass of merlot. Suddenly what the blonde was saying reached her ears and her heart broke yet again_

_ "Leave the key on the table in the entry way." _

_ And with that Brenda continued on her path, closing the door softly behind her, the click seeming to seal Sharon's fate._

* * *

That had been over three months ago, and the brunette still couldn't reconcile the affair. She hadn't been able to push her self to go and talk to Brenda, so instead she had left the key as she had asked. She figured that eventually she would cool down and then they would be able to discuss the situation rationally. Days turned into weeks and when the blonde had finally tried to contact her she had ignored the call and the subsequent text messages as per her pride. Eventually Brenda had stopped trying and the calls ceased altogether.

There was a soft and hesitant knock on her office door. As she glanced sideways through the open blinds, she could vaguely see the build of one Lieutenant Flynn. Sighing heavily, she turned her chair towards the door and muttered a half-hearted 'come in.'

The detective pushed the door open barely wide enough for him to slip through and then gently closed it once again. Sharon looked him up and down as he came to stand in front of her desk, a suspicious looking envelope clutched in his right hand. She looked from the object to his face, their eyes connecting for the tiniest second.

She cleared her throat, "Yes…what is it Lieutenant?"

"Apparently this has been sitting on the receptionist's desk since Monday," he drawled as he handed her the envelope, "and now I seem to be your very own personal mailman."

Sharon snorted ineloquently and her mouth quirked up in a half smile.

"Hah!" Andy mock shouted pointing at her animatedly, "There's your smile, and I thought we'd lost it."

Sharon allowed her self a more open grin as she glanced down at the piece of paper in her hands. She felt the air leave her lungs as she recognized the handwriting that spelled out her name. She had undoubtedly seen the flowing and looping script on many occasions, mostly when she was left a note explaining an early morning disappearance or she found the sticky notes left on her car window offering genuine words of encouragement.

Andy could physically feel the change in the room's atmosphere. Of course he knew whom the letter was from, he had worked for the blonde after all and had seen her hand writing on may occasions…maybe this would be the push that Sharon so desperately needed.

"Thank you Andy," she said softly and he clearly heard the veiled dismissal.

As he walked toward the office door, he discreetly looked over his shoulder. She looked so small in her office chair and so lost staring at the piece of paper that could have the possible power to change everything.

As soon as she heard the door click into place, Sharon turned the cream envelope over in her palm. She gently traced the seam where the paper was sealed, looking for some sort of weakness. When she found it she lifted the unsecured corner slightly with the tip of her nail, slicing the fold. She pulled out the paper within feeling her hands shaking as she began to read.

* * *

_Sharon,_

_ I have honestly no idea of how to tell you any of this, and seeing as how we've lost touch it seemed appropriate that I could write my thoughts down here and never have to worry about explaining my self to you…when I write I am always able to articulate what I mean; no botched monologues or stuttering explanations. _

_ I guess I'm just as lost as you are, not sure which way is up or down at the moment. I feel like there is so much I could be doing with my life but in fact I'm just squandering it…I don't know how to cope with everything. I'm not the same person I once was and lets face it, I'll never be that way again, too may things have happened in the last year for me to be who I once was._

_ I feel like an introvert, someone who doesn't seek the need for companionship and pretends to not need it even though I desperately do. I guess I've lost the ability to relate to people and that scares me. I've lost interest in everything I once loved doing, I haven't read a book in ages…and my job has become just another daily chore. It takes everything that I am to get up in the morning, it would be so easy just to lay there and let the days and weeks slip by, what does it matter? _

_ And I know and accept that I'm mostly to blame for the situation we find ourselves in, I mean I am the one who dropped the out of nowhere and awkward bombshell right? You know the worst part? I knew in my heart that you didn't love me in that way, but being selfish and feeling the need to lighten how I was feeling I told you that anyway. I should have just kept my mouth shut and moved on…and your reaction was warranted. I could just kick myself for saying that, but I was scared. After Mama died every rule or preconceived notion I had for life was shattered, it is too short to question your self on a daily basis with 'what ifs.' _

_ I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always had those feelings for you, in fact I accepted them a long time ago…being with Fritz always felt so wrong, I guess I just didn't want to accept the failure. You were all I thought about at some points…I would break off dates or family engagements to be with you, you gave me the ultimate high so to speak. When you hurt I hurt, when you're sad all I want to do is make whatever it is better. When you're happy, well I bet you can guess how I feel. You really are my best friend, no one knows me better…I have seemed to forget that. I just want to talk and watch movies and do the things we used to do, I want to be us again. I miss my friend. I just want my friend back._

_ But in these last few months I've come to terms with a lot, all the stupid and insanely unsafe things I've done as well as the good things. I needed those few months to distance myself and reflect on myself as a person. It was just too painful and I didn't know how to ask for help, I'm so used to hiding all my emotions. And I knew what a difficult time you've been having with my distance, that's why I haven't taken the unanswered text messages or lack of communication personally, you always come back and I'm a patient woman, I'll always wait. I know it isn't a personal attack you just can't help yourself…it's hard for you like you said. I understand the stress you're under and I want you to know I'm always here to help. _

_ I also wanted to take the opportunity to tell you that I'm making my stay in Atlanta permanent as of this week, my flight leaves around six on Thursday evening. I need to get out, and I know we have talked about my leaving and that's just it…that's all it was, talk. Now I feel the time is right, there is nothing keeping me here and as much as Daddy likes to make me think he's ok, I know in my heart he is having a hard time. I already have the majority of my house packed, well the things I'll be taking. I have sold or given away most of the larger furniture, I won't need any of it, a fresh start is what I want. I will miss everyone, but I need to do this. _

_ This wasn't an 'oh poor me' letter or a desperate cry for help, so please don't see it as that way. Don't feel the need to respond to this; honestly I just wanted to explain myself…I felt that I owed it to you at least. _

_ And lastly, just know that I'll always love you and accept you for you, nothing you do can change that in my eyes. We have been through thick and thin, that's all that really matters._

_ -Brenda Leigh_

For the second time in only a year the petite blonde had caused Sharon to be speechless. It wasn't until she saw the round spots of water on the paper that she realized she had been crying. Not great heaving sobs, but quiet tears of understanding that she tried to reign in as she stared at the ceiling. She cursed and thanked whatever higher power there was for bringing such an insufferable and wonderful woman into her otherwise lonely life.

She smiled gently to her self as she began to read the letter anew when a thought suddenly struck her. Quickly scanning the note again she finally found what she was looking for.

…_my flight leaves around six on Thursday evening._

_ Today is Thursday._

_ TODAY is Thursday!_

She glanced at the clock on her computer, which read four forty-five, and she swallowed hard. She had barely enough time to get on the highway and through security at LAX before take off. She snatched her phone off her desk and her trench coat off the back of her office chair. The staccato of her heals on the linoleum beat faster as she made her way through the desk of her detectives and out the door of her murder room, without a backward glance.

* * *

Brenda felt so small and out of place in such a large and bustling building, in fact that had been one of the hardest adjustments in moving to Los Angeles. Even Washington D.C. wasn't as fast paced or superficial as this city. She was ready to go home, but the thought of her leaving this city she now considered home as well made her nauseous.

She glanced nervously at the digital clock that adorned the wall across from her, her anxiety levels rose with every minute that passed. She wished she could go back and have a do over on this entire year…well maybe not the entire year.

Sure she would have gone back and actually listened to her Mama, but that went as deep as to say she should have done a lot of things differently with her parents. She should have been more patient and taken the time to visit more often, She wouldn't have let herself think of the weekly phone call as a chore or a burden, maybe even genuinely enjoyed listening to Mama talk about her new chocolate chip cookie recipe or even Daddy's new revolver he had recently purchased. Life was so short, and as far as she was concerned she had squandered it.

And Fritz…don't even let her start about poor Fritzi. He deserved and still deserves so much more than she was ever willing to give; he was safe and practical to her. Deep down she supposed that she had loved him at one point or another, but true to her own selfish nature that hadn't lasted long at all, she wasn't surprised when he left. She wasn't worthy of him, simple as that.

Brenda also wished that she wasn't so open with her emotions, that she could at least distance her self from people when necessary. That was why the Goldman dispute was so hard and why the Johnson Rule had been such a betrayal. And why it was so hard for her to believe there was a leak; she had been naïve in her belief that no one would ever be disloyal to her in that way, but even though it was unintentional, Gabriel had. That had hurt her to the core of her soul although she knew he wasn't to blame it had still hurt.

And well then there was a certain brunette with green eyes that she had taken a chance on and fallen hard. She was sure she knew Sharon felt the same way, if she hadn't there would have been no way Brenda would have so cavalierly shared her feelings. But just as many things in the past year (maybe even her life) she had been so utterly wrong and she had fled before she could be hurt again. The walls that Sharon had so carefully stripped her of came crashing down once more.

Even after Brenda had calmed down and accepted the rational thinking of her Captain, she still could feel each unanswered text message or avoided phone call deeply. It had become abundantly and painfully clear that Sharon had moved on and the blonde inevitably needed to do so as well. So in a split second decision (which she is famous for) Brenda had packed up her life an livelihood from California in neat little boxes and shipped them back home to Georgia. Hence why she was sitting all alone in the middle of LAX waiting to board a plane, hoping against all hope that something would come up to change her mind.

She heard the distant click of the overhead PA system switching on and the overly cheerful voice of the flight attendant welcoming all passengers. Brenda stared at the ticket in her hand, waiting for her row and seat number to be called, a sinking feeling beginning to form in the pit of her stomach. When the perky voice called her row, what little hope she still held died. Shee rose stiffly from her chair, throwing her carryon over her shoulder and readjusting her beloved purse on the other.

As she reached the desk before the boarding platform a young red headed attendant asked for her boarding pass and ID. Grumbling softly to her self she began to rustle around in her oversized bag searching for her elusive wallet. A soft throat clearing startled her from her search, and without glancing up she let the sarcastic remark fly.

"I have never in all my life seen someone so impatient to get back to Atlanta."

"Actually I was hoping that I could convince you to stay."

Brenda froze and stared dumbly into her purse, relieved to know her letter had in fact been delivered and embarrassed to feel the tears starting behind her lids. But as she looked up tentatively from her search and connected eyes with those of a watery green she knew the tears were accepted.

Brenda stared fascinated at the picture Sharon created in the middle of LAX. Here was her normally immaculate Captain looking a little worse for wear. Her hair hung in limp curls, obviously from the rainy conditions outside, her clothes just as damp. Her cheeks were pink with exertion as if she had run a long distance, chest-heaving trying desperately trying to catch her breath. Her eyes were liquid with unshed tears but as bright as ever. Brenda had never seen her so beautiful.

"Sharon," the blonde whispered desperately.

That was all the encouragement that the older woman needed, and with that she reached for the younger woman, puling her gently towards her own body. They were flush against each other, belly-to-belly, hips to hips, chest to chest and their arms. Sharon gently wound her arms around Brenda, softly caressing the skin of her back through her thick sweatshirt. Where she was cold Brenda was warm and pliant in her arms, whimpering softly as what seemed to be more than just their bodies came into contact.

Her lips were millimeters away from Brenda's, breathing the same air, when she whispered four little words.

"I love you too."

* * *

_**So as for the personal aspects of this story, a few weeks ago I finally threw caution to the wind and told my best friend that I was in love with her...needless to say that it didn't go as I had planned, in short I was devastated. The letter that Brenda wrote to Sharon was in fact, except for a few choice phrases and names, a letter I have written to my best friend. As of yet i have yet to send it and I'm not sure if I ever will. I just wanted to share where my inspiration was in fact coming from. Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!**_


End file.
